I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
