I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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