Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
