fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
