I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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