Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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