Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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