Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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