well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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