dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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