Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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