birth control should be required to get into college
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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