I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
