I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
