i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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