so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
