textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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