Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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