Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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