the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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