I need help removing her.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
