Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
