what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
