Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
