the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
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In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
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I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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