You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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