Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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