I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
