I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
