I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
