Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
