if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
