dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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