You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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