I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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