I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
