M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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