My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
