Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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