I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
