he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
