Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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