I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
