I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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