it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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