I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
