i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im six kinds of drunk right now
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
