I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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