i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
