Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
