i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
