Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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