What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
