last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
