Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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