I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sober January is a disaster.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
