Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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