my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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