If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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